The Chill Pill

Facebook Status Number 1: I luv my gf so much!!!! She is teh lite of my lif. We hav a luv tat wil last 4eva!

Translation: Despite my claims that our love will last forever, chances are that our love will only last just a couple more weeks. Hopefully, this status will make my girlfriend put out. Also, I cannot spell. I am a moron.

Facebook Status Number 2: UGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my life. Why does everything always go so wrong for me?

Translation: Attention. I crave it.

Facebook Status Number 3: Worshipping Jesus/Allah/No one/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Tom Cruise is right and everyone else is wrong!!!!!

Translation: I’m bored and I really want someone to argue with me right now.

Facebook Status Number 4: I’mmmmm ssssssoooooo drrrrruuuuunnnkk rite now!

Translation: I’ve had two shots of vodka.

Facebook Status Number 5: I hate the opposite sex. They suck.

Translation: Why won’t anyone go with me? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I generalize the very people that I so desperately want to be with. I also fail to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.

Facebook Status Number 6: I like smoking crack and I am a child molester!!!!

Translation: This status was made by a friend of the Facebook account holder. The Facebook account holder is obviously not a crack smoker or a child molester.

Facebook Status Number 7: I GOT SO MUCH SWAG BRO. BOW. DRINK UP TONIGHT! SWAG!

Translation: I need to be removed from the gene pool. Capital letters make a Facebook status 75 percent cooler. The fact that I exist make people doubt the very existence of God.

Facebook Status Number 8: My birthday is tomorrow!!!

Translation: Please wish me a happy birthday on Facebook tomorrow. Your “Happy Birthdays” validate my existence.

Facebook Status Number 9: -Insert copy and pasted status here-

Translation: I know everyone has already seen this status a million times. I think everyone has to see everything at least a million and one times before they are truly affected. Also, if rocks could die, I would have the creativity of a dead rock.

Facebook Status Number 10: IM SO SICK OF ALL THE DRAMA!

Translation: I am not sick of all the drama. Please give me more. Maybe drama can fix my caps lock key.

Facebook Status Number 11: Eating some pizza!

Translation: People care about my dietary choices.

Facebook Status Number 12: I’m so proud of little Johnny for scoring a goal in soccer today!!!

Translation: My kids are better than your kids, bitch. Your child doesn’t have shit on little Johnny.

Facebook Status Number 13: So, what do you guys think about politics?

Translation: I don’t want to argue, but I want other people to argue on my status. Getting tons of Facebook notifications makes me feel good about myself.

Facebook Status Number 14: I NEED YOU SO BAD BABY GIRL!!!

Translation: I have no interests and hobbies beyond my soon-to-failed relationship. Also, I need my baby girl to fix my caps lock key.

Facebook Status Number 15: Check out this link to the new rap I made and then put on Youtube.

Translation: Click this link and you’ll hate yourself for life.

Facebook Status Number 16: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are!

Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.

A guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the State Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Jessica is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica .

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

An elderly couple, Rose and Jim, moved to Hamilton, USA!!

Jim always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.!

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’!

Rose looked him over.! ‘Nope.’!

Frustrated, Jim stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.! Again he asked Rose, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’!

Rose looked up and exclaimed, ‘Jim, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging! down again tomorrow!!’!

Furious, Jim yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ROSE?’!

‘Nope’, she replied.!

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’!

Without changing her expression, Rose replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Jim. Shoulda bought a hat.’

A young journalism graduate from University had gone to work for the Local News Paper. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says “Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready.”

The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my Red shirt.” The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.

After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.

The subordinate approaches his boss, “Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?”

The captain replies “Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to Fight with the same ferocity.”

Just then another subordinate rushes over. “Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction.”

The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”

There is this blonde, she gets into an elevator and tells the guy in the elevator ‘T.G.I.F’

The guy replies ‘S.H.I.T’

The blonde looks at him wierdly and repeats slowly ‘T.G.I.F’

And the guy repeats slowly ‘S.H.I.T’

Getting frustrated, the blonde says, ‘T.G.I.F means Thank God It’s Friday’

And the guy’s like ‘Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday’